Week 5

We went to a Catholic church service yesterday that ended up being about a 2.5 hour service. It was a lot like a US Catholic church but with better music (!). Not to mention that a couple got married while we were there. I had no idea who they were but it brought me as close to tears as I get even when it's someone I know. Beautiful. The bride walked down the aisle in somewhat the same manner as they do at home but with a lot more rhythm. It was more like a subtle dance. We ended up sandwiched between the bridal parties family members. As an offering during the service a couple of people brought up giant bags of rice. After the service we walked out and there were many people out begging. They had very obvious physical problems that no doubt keep them from working. (Everything here done for work, for the most part, is very physical. These folks work very hard for the little food that they get.) I felt like I was walking around in the gospel where the beggars that were disabled sat outside of the church. It's exactly what it was.

Walking into town is usually something I have to be ready for. People usually drive by honking and the street vendors are always following us speaking in French/Fon trying to sell us things. The kids yell "yovo" at us which means "white person" and they just laugh and smile. The ones that aren't too scared of us like to come touch our hands and skin. Tons of zimidjans (motorcycles/scooters that they mostly use for transport) are everywhere. These drivers have no shame either. You really have to be paying attention to what you're doing and what's going on around you because they don't usually stop or slow down for anything/anyone. We walked into town on Friday after work to get some awesome mango and papaya for the weekend (the weekend lunch here is nothing to write home about) and I was confirmed with the fact that I am not good at the shopping system here. You negotiate prices and well, basically, I'm a pushover. I'd almost take the first price just to not go through the trouble except that the prices that some start at are ridiculously high. We ended up getting some decent deals and fruit out of the experience though.

Over the weekend we had a couple of plastic surgeons come in. An extra one had come which opened up more surgery slots so I helped in screening today. We unexpectedly didn't have many people show up and some of them aren't able to be operated on because what they need done would have to be by someone who does an entirely different type of surgery. It was such a blessing today to be there seeing the process of how things are done and what the people go through just to try to get help here. How they travel from far places and wait eating the lunch they packed. How they wrap their babies up so they ride kind of piggyback. How they are excited and almost don't believe that they are handed a little green card that represents that they will get to come back to the ship within the next few weeks to have an operation. I'm so grateful that I was allowed today to get to meet them and talk to them so that in the next few weeks while I'm working with these doctors these patients will be much more to me than a face. I got to see the life in them today.

On a different note. Just when you think there's no possible way to learn anymore at a single time it just keeps going. I feel like the things I am being taught just keep going exponentially to the depth of the roots of the matters. The real roots. It's amazing how at a certain point in life you can fall into a lie about the nature of who God is and then years later it just becomes a part of who you are. You forget that it was a point in time that you believed that you had to make something up to Him (as if there was something you could do to make up for anything) and your decisions become based on it. The thing is, Christ died for our sins as forgiveness. He doesn't just kind of forgive but actually forgives. The kind of forgiveness that we don't really know how to understand or accept and it has already been done for us. His nature is nothing like ours. I think we can sometimes think we know that He has forgiven us but don't entirely experience the freedom that forgiveness brings. Experiencing that freedom is the best feeling. It's not that I have finally done enough good deeds for everything to be written off but that I have had it the whole time without really really believing it.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2.4-10

Week 4

It seems like expectations is the word of the trip so far. God has been teaching me so much about this. What I expect from people, what they expect from me or better said what I think they expect from me. What is it all based on?

I came with great expectation for the experience here and what I would be doing and when it wasn't what I thought it really threw me off. It has me thinking though. How much of my life and the decisions I make are based off of my expectations for myself and what others expect from me? What if I have always assumed something in my life and then realize that I let fear of taking the road less travelled and all the unexpected that is found there keep me in the place that I think keeps the level of security high and calculated risks to a minimum.

I have found, even in just being here for a month, some of the difficulties of stepping outside of the box. Even bigger than that though I have been so blessed and am learning so much about myself and others and life in general. I'm learning a new depth of trust in Christ alone that even when everything else doesn't make sense, He is solid ground and everything else is sinking sand.

In other news, I got to celebrate my birthday in Africa! It actually ended up being over Thursday and Friday. Because Friday was a ship holiday and we didn't work, they sang happy birthday to me on Thursday morning and one of my coworkers made me a birthday cake. Everyone (people from the US, UK, Australia, New Zealand, China, Germany, South Korea!) signed a bona fide African card and had one of our translators to write happy birthday on the front in Fon. On Friday morning the same coworker that made the cake rang the bell in the dining room which cues everyone to sing happy birthday. Pretty embarrassing since I had literally just rolled out of bed but it was still funny. We then went to tour a local hospital and clinic. The day was finished off with one of the gurkhas singing happy birthday to me in Indian. Not to mention I got a call from some of the evening crew from home singing happy birthday. It was such an international birthday! Just beautiful.

On Tuesday we had 5 boxes of random instruments shipped to us and it was my job to help sort through them. The fun part was that there was bubble wrap in the boxes. We took it to the wards to introduce it to the kids there and they loved it! It was so neat teaching them how to pop the little bubbles and then showing them how to lay it on the ground to walk or jump on it. There is a little girl there who people have been trying to get to smile for awhile and I'm pleased to announce that the bubble wrap got her to budge a grin for us.

Week 3

So it's an amazing thing how this week has made it's very own little turn around. When I first arrived in Benin I was hoping for big things to happen. I was met with the unexpected surprise of trials that were so out of left field for me. I felt like I knew it was going to be tough coming here, but it started off way harder than I could have imagined.

This week I have really felt like the overwhelming feeling of being clueless about how to be a "missionary" has been working its way into a transformation of finding a new depth to Christ and reliance on Him. Every day here has felt like such a new day. I can't get out of bed without asking for grace. At home it's very easy to go on autopilot because I have a pretty general routine of things to do. I know the people I'm working with and kind of what's going on in their lives, and they know me.

God has turned my inward focus back out. I haven't felt like I was capable of serving others because I was so wrapped up in all the emotion of coming to a new place and everything that came along with it. Today was officially a new day though. It felt different like my spirit had life breathed back into it. I didn't take the day-by-day approach but more like the minute-by-minute approach looking for Christ to show up in every situation. He most certainly has. I think where I am supposed to be is not fitting in like I thought I wanted/should (rare bird, Katherine?). It's pretty liberating actually.

I spent some time on the ward today after the church service painting everyone's fingernails and toenails. Before I came I had asked someone what I should bring and one thing they said was nail polish. I looked for the brightest colors I could find which were a very hot pink and a shimmery orange. They seemed to enjoy it. It was so nice spending time with them even though I was unable to communicate with them. I felt like this was a good ice breaker for me feeling comfortable just being there. I'm going to try to start spending more time with them and break out the fun stuff some of you sent with me to play with the kids that are here.

I guess I don't know too much else to say for now. Things are definitely falling into place. Christ is faithful no doubt. As far as prayer goes, I have been working with 2 ladies for the past 3 weeks who are leaving Friday. They both have a lot of heartache and I would really love for them to know how God really loves them. Also that I can continue to get out of my comfort zone and really start spending time with the ladies and their children, which are the patients, staying just down the hall from me.

So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.

Hosea 6.3

Week 2

So this week has gone a little better. We weren't too busy at work because a couple of the surgeons have left for a little bit. I find that being at work feels like a little bit of home to me. Even though I'm working with new people from all over the world, surgery is still surgery and it's something familiar to me. This is nice because everything else is very unfamiliar.

I still know that this is where I'm supposed to be right now but I don't entirely know why yet. It has been harder than I thought it would be for me to make friends. I appreciate everyone at home so much more now and realize the beauty of many of the relationships I have with people from home. Christ has done a lot in all of those relationships in the past couple of years and I miss and love you all so much.

I don't want you guys to think that I am not ok. Don't get me wrong, this is very hard, but I have confidence in the Lord that He knows way better than I do what is best for me and what things I need to learn. I have peace knowing that I am in His will. All of your prayers have helped so much too. I really need that to stand firm and keep my faith in Him alone.

I could definitely use prayer in finding where I fit in here. The community here is different than I thought it would be. A lady summed it up pretty well last night in, "You come expecting one thing, but it seems like the focus here is more on community and socializing than it is on the hospital." This is a disappointment to me because I had expected to see more passion for helping people see Christ. I have made an attempt to have meaningful conversations with different people, but I have only found it going anywhere with a few people. These few all have either left already or will be gone by Wednesday. This makes it hard, but so far God has really provided someone for me to talk to when I really needed it. I pray and trust that He will continue to provide for me. It's been weird because I am pretty comfortable with who I am at home, but it has been hard here trying to find that comfort.

I also am still seeking how God wants me to use my time here. I don't want to get home and have missed the whole point of me being here.

Week 1

Bonjour from Benin!

I have finished my first week of work on the ship and am enjoying my first real weekend on the ship because I am on call today and tomorrow the ship is sailing just across the port to refuel. It has been a tough week spiritually and emotionally trying to deal with the change of living on a ship in a third world country and not having anyone I can really talk to about what is going on. Today I was able to enjoy some reading and time on the deck with some of the patients.

This week the Lord has really been breaking me down to reevaluate the reason He intended for me to be here. I can see now how it could have quickly turned into a trip that was about me and not me being purposeful with the time I spend here. I was glad that Christ showed me that that was the reason for the pain I had been experiencing all week. I knew this trip would be tough but there has been so much that He has shown me that is hard stuff to learn but necessary for me to grow deeper in Him.

Experiencing the third world is very different from what I know. When people at home said that there really isn't poverty in the States like there is in the third world, I believed them but experiencing it makes it real. There is a world here that is so different than at home that is their life here. They are people like we are that do things somewhat differently but the fact that they are moms, dads, brothers, sisters, and friends is a common denominator that makes us relatable on a universal level. They are people looking for the same thing that everyone else is looking for. To be loved.

Please pray for me to share the Gospel with courage to the people here whether it is people of Benin or the people I am working with and to stand firm in the trials that get me to that point. I am so blessed to know that you guys are praying for me back at home.

I love you all and miss you. I'd love for you to keep me up to date with what is going on with you as well.

Confessions of a "missionary"

Some call this missionary work. I don't know about that.

Define Missionary. Who are they? What do they look like? Where are they?

Why isn't everyone that is in Christ, really in Christ, called a missionary?

I feel that I may have been put on a pedestal with coming to Africa, but how does that make me any more extraordinary than anyone else? I am in Africa because this is where the road has lead me. If you would have told me a year ago I would be here there is no way I would believe you. My expectations on what this would be like has turned out to be wrong. Not entirely bad wrong but very different. And it is really ok. I know that I am supposed to be here. We have to go through rough stuff to get to the good.

The thing is: Life here feels a lot like it does at home (I live on an air-conditioned ship with wireless internet so there's not too much of everyday African living that I get to experience). I am the same person. I still have the same struggles trying to find my purpose here. No superhuman powers turned me into an extraordinary person when I stepped off the plane. I walked off of the plane in faith that this is where Christ has brought me.

What about the people that walk into work every day with the same amount of faith as it took for me to get off the plane and go through customs in a new land? What about the people that spend their free time with foster children and volunteering in health clinics and teaching children how to read? Being nice to someone that probably doesn't deserve it in our eyes? Waiting another 30 seconds to hold the door open for someone when they could have easily acted like they didn't see them behind them? Showing a refugee that has come to a safe place from their war torn country how to find a job, open a checking account, go to the doctor, buy groceries and get around town?

These are missionaries, too.

Ward church service

This morning I woke up with one thing on my agenda: church service on the ward. I've been so tired from the time change and overwhelming feeling of change that I didn't know what to expect or what would be expected of me. We made our way to the ward just down the hall and on the same deck that I stay where there were maybe 10 patients and more volunteers. The drums and clapping started along with the singing to This Is the Day the Lord Has Made except I didn't realize it for a minute because it was in Fon as far as I could tell.

There was a particular patient that brought me pretty close to tears. She was singing so joyfully. I met her in the hall the night before when she was walking up and down the hall. We may not have walked down the hall towards her direction, which was the opposite ways of the rooms, if it hadn't been for her son who was running down the hall screaming at the top of his lungs while throwing his arms in the air. He ran straight to me. He couldn't understand what we were saying and his mom was just smiling and laughing. We walked along with her and would chase him down the hall to retrieve him. I ran back with him stopping only to swing his legs between mine. I was able to use the extra bit of French I learned on the plane from my seat mate when he was discussing the Jamaican runner in the newspaper he was reading: tres rapide. I said this to the mom and she just smiled and laughed.

At church I was watching her rejoice while the nurse next to me held her son as he clapped to the music. He soon fell asleep even with all the commotion going on. It was a beautiful experience.

I'm here

Right now I'm just hanging out in one of the areas on the ship where people play games, read, watch TV, and get on the internet. The boat has a constant rock from side to side that when I first got here made me feel like I was going to fall out of my chair from lack of sleep. I thought my body was just giving out on me. We are docked at a port that has ships coming and going all the time. Large trucks go past our spot to get to the ship docked behind us that seems to be just full of rocks they are using to make roads. There are so many nationalities here: Australian, South African, British, United States, Canadian, Polish, German. I don't really know how to tell how it is here yet because I just got here the other night and haven't been much like myself because I'm so tired. I start work tomorrow morning so I will know better when I get into a routine. I had to change rooms this afternoon so it feels better being unpacked and knowing where my things are. Right now I'm in a room with all OR nurses, but people are constantly coming and going so I'm not sure how long it will be that way. I'm really looking forward to starting work so I can meet people and get back to work. Here are some pictures for now.

First impressions

When we arrived in Cotonou, I met someone that was heading to the ship that teamed up with me to get through customs. It wasn't the hardest task because some people were walking back and forth between the customs booth and the baggage claim. There were people just inside the door from the terminal that had signs held up for rides. The belt at the baggage claim was completely packed with people stacked on top of on another with their brightly colored fabric wrapped around them. We had to become more aggressive to get towards the front of the belt to catch our luggage before we had to wait for the next cycle. After getting our bags we fought our way back through the crowd to find who was taking us to the ship. We found our group that started to gather. There were people from Australia, the UK, the states and Poland there. After we had everyone we attempted to take our things out to the car. I almost immediately got hit by a motorcycle after walking out the door. We make it to the car and then a man walks up serenading us with his guitar and the song he is making up on the spot about Mercy Ships. It took us about 30 minutes just to make it out of the parking lot. It's free for all driving here. There were people trying to sell us Michael Jackson CD's and other things while we were waiting in line to leave the parking lot. Driving down the streets there were people hanging out in the street everywhere... lying down, sitting on the paved median waving at people. Motorcycles everywhere. We finally arrived to the port just passed the people selling from their stands by candlelight and squeezed through the line of trucks that were heading in to get more loads from the ships in port. We turned a corner and there it was. This ship that I've been waiting to come to work in. And then I almost cried.

Sinking in

About 22 hours into travel and only 3 hours of sleep after I finally left home, I was finally struck with the fact that I'll really be doing this. It was somewhere over the Sahara Desert when my seat mate, a Beninese pilot, and I started to combine our trays so that he could somehow squeeze out to the aisle to use the restroom. After he got up I lifted up the arm rest to see the landscape of this continent I have never seen before, and then it hit me. I am on a plane full of people who mostly speak French which adds to the excitement. I have spent time trying to learn about this country, their language, religion and culture and here I am sitting on a plane with them. It's the most amazing thing.

I've been trying my French in my head and trying to listen to them. I try when I can to communicate in the little French I know, but it seems to disappear from my memory when I'm on the spot. I did pick a little up on the flight: tres rapide.

My thanks

So I'm leaving today. I still can't believe that this is all happening and that I'll be getting on a plane in a few hours. I am so grateful to everyone who has been an encouragement to me through this process and prayed for me because it has sustained me through the fiery trials that come along with walking in Christ. He has protected me and continued to be faithful throughout. I trust that He will continue to use me so that His kingdom will advance all for His glory. I am grateful that He has given me some insight into the meaning behind some of the trials that I faced while preparing to leave. He really does know what He is doing and is working out things for the good of all. It's just that the growing pains hurt but it is all well worth the end result. I am full of joy that I get to go serve Him in this way. Thank you all for your financial support as well. We are all working together through prayer, sending out and going to show His love and mercy so that every tribe, tongue and nation can hear of His name. Now I am to leave my family and friends in His hands and walk in the plan that He has for me. I am unsure of what it looks like down this road but I know it's the safest and only place that I ever want to be.

Thank you guys so much again. I love you all and will miss you all more than I really know how to say.

I'm going to Africa!!

Time

It's running out quickly here. Maybe I'm getting too sentimental. Maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be emotionally.

Dad bought new batteries for the clock I had bought him when I went to London that has two faces on it. The time is now set to CST and GMT +1.

The Albert Pike

It has been a very long time since I've had to say bye to so many people. It's turning out to be harder than I expected. There are some things I want to say but don't entirely know where to find the words or how to get it out. I really love everyone so much, but how do you say it with words that penetrate so that they know. So often I throw around conversation just to fill in empty air space and it leaves me to feel like I've wasted time.

I have had time off from work to get things in order and also to spend time with folks. I forget how wrapped up in things I can get while life is passing me by. This week a friend and I randomly

stopped into an old hotel that has been turned into housing for the elderly and disabled to try to see its historic beauty. The lady did not seem too inviting at first until we asked if we could play the piano we saw in the window while driving by. Her eyes lit up and she claimed an even better prize of a piano on the second floor, a beautiful old baby grand whose bench had come up missing. We found a sort of fold out table minus the legs that we pulled up as the chair which made sitting to play a bit of a physical chore. After we finished up we went walking around on our own little tour and found some great treasures. After taking our time showing ourselves around we started to head out. We were asked to try out the other piano before we left to see how it worked in comparison to the one upstairs. Sure thing. Don't mind if I do! It turned out to be an hour long adventure that is one of those things that you cannot plan out and would never experience if you didn't just stop to ask. It was such a good time.

Typical heart ramble

I still find myself jaded with so much these days. I keep hearing from everyone to enjoy this time of adventure before I get married. Does life really end when you get married and have children or is it just falling into the expectations of the world for what life should look like? I really don't know. All I really want out of this life is to be doing what the Lord wants wherever that is.

Wherever.

I understand things will change, but I also think it has a lot to do with how much of ourselves we're willing to let go of.

It's getting hard to say bye to everyone, but if I'm where the Lord needs me, then that's the safest place I can ever imagine being. I tend to think that the craziest it sounds to me the more from God it must be because it's hard to comprehend things from God. They don't make sense to us because we can't rationalize how it could possibly work out.

And then it does.

Who gets the credit? Well, it sure wasn't me! I guess all I really want to say is that I think it's easy for us to sell ourselves short. When we put ourselves in a box how can we imagine more for ourselves? Take off the chains of bondage and the box away and the world looks different. Nothing is impossible. Is it out of my comfort zone? Most definitely so. I want to live life though.

I want to be just like You. I want to be free on my inside and prefer to raise others up above myself. Br. Danielson

Pre-departure packing: rough draft

It seems that my wish list of things that I would like to have on the ship far exceeds reality. I have a rough draft of what clothes I would like to have while in Benin separated in my closet so I can keep up with them.

It's narrowed down to half the closet.

Half the closet!

A tad unreasonable, I think, but this has me more excited about going! It's hard for me to know what is worth bringing because I'm picky versus it being worth lugging it to the other side of the world. Some stuff I just need to get over but others I've grown quite fond of. I don't think any of it really matters, though, in the grand schemes of things as long as I just get there.

Final stretch

Just a quick update.

I leave in 18 days. Wow! This is all really happening. Friday was my last day of work which put a new level of reality on this trip that has taken months to prepare to go on. It seemed that it was pretty easy to say that I'm pretty much quitting my job, but to walk out of work on my last day was big for me. Instead of just talking the talk, now I'm walking it. It's more exciting than scary. For now. We'll see in the near future if it seems scary. I think I'm expecting it because most people ask if I'm scared. The fact that I'm not isn't by any crazy courage I have acquired on my own. The preparation process for the trip has not only been filling out forms and getting shots but lots of spiritual trials that have been pretty intense for me. Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. James 1.2-6 The bible never ceases to amaze me with how much can be packed into just a few sentences. The trials we encounter are to make us grow to a deeper, stronger level of finding ourselves in Christ alone.

I guess this is all really for now. I have to finish up with the unexpected bathroom remodel (/thorn in my flesh) and take care of some errands before I leave.

First things first

44 days and counting until I leave!!  On one hand I can't wait, but on the other I can see the time I have to spend with people before I'm gone for a while is slipping away.  I only actually have about 4 weeks or so left in Arkansas.  So much to do!

I got 3 of my shots for the trip and my prescription for malaria meds last week.  Only semi-painful really... mostly when Tony at work would punch me in the arm.  Well, he didn't really do that, but it felt like it!

I have:

• 3-ish weeks left of work.  
  
• 3 more call shifts (one of which is tonight)
  
• 2 weeks until I go see Josie!
  
• at least 2 more shots to get

I still can't believe this is all happening!

Belt of Truth

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.  One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:

   That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

   To behold the beauty of the Lord

   And to meditate in His temple.

For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.  And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.  Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me.  When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O Lord, I shall seek." 

Psalm 27.1-8

Several weeks ago I, under my breath, asked God for unwavering faith in Him.  The kind that will sustain through all the storms and fire.  

I forget what it takes to get these sorts of things though.  

Ask and you shall receive.

It really was one of the most painful things I've been through in my Christian walk so far.  The devil had gone for my heart a couple of weeks ago, but this time he twisted the knife around and laughed in my face.  If only he knew how I had been made aware of his sneaky ways and was not surprised by it.  I'm so thankful for seeing the situation as it really was and not what it could have been perceived as.  

This all happened because I was supposed to speak at church last Sunday about my trip.  After I said I would, I immediately was under attack.  I geared up this time by asking other to pray  for me instead of trying to duke it out by myself.  The battle grew more intense until it just broke all out on Saturday.  I can't think of many times in my life that I have truly sobbed.  This was one though.  I was just so angry and hurt at how the devil fights dirty.  Very dirty.  God's grace was plenty in drawing me closer to Him though.  I was pretty broken on Sunday morning and I took my cross with me up on that stage and from my heart I confessed that I will continue to serve Him.  No one knew what I was going through, but for me, I was up there for God saying, "Despite all this brokeness and hurt I am in I will claim Your name as Holy and All in All, I trust You with every ounce of my being and I will follow You.  I am Yours."

He blessed me with so much encouragement following that.  Sitting in the service I sat in awe of how God works.  He confirmed that I am on the right track and what was so dear to my heart, what I have been learning from God and burdened by was being spoken to hundreds of people.  As much discouragement as I have received from people, the service meant so much and was a gift from God Himself.  I also met some really wonderful people afterwards that were very encouraging to me.  I have had so many more blessings since that I don't know where to start.  God has such intricate detail in weaving things together for His glory that never ceases to amaze me.  Oh I wish I could tell you how good and faithful He is.  It's so much more than words can communicate.  He has brought such joy to my heart.

Give, and it will be given to you.  They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over.  For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. 

Luke 6.38

Romans 8

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us...

35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written, "For your sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered."  But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Amen.

Plane Ticket: check

So it's official, according to D.  I have a plane ticket so it means that I am really going. 

84 days.

The date moved up from late August to mid July because of the shortage of OR nurses on board the ship.  It has been the biggest blessing to be able to go early because quite frankly I don't want to wait that long!  Mercy Ships is also helping out with some of the finances if I need it which takes the pressure off, but I am still going ahead with fundraising because I feel that's what I need to do.  What a journey this has been already.  It's been amazing to see God work through this whole preparation process.  Things usually turn out way beyond anything I could ever dream up, and this has been the case for going to Benin.

Ninja Path

I'm always curious about God's plan for me in this life.  Like the things He has put on my heart, my desires, things I want to leave behind.  I want my life to look different than the avid Sunday church-goers.

Jesus' life looked different.

I'm also scared of what this might bring.  I know the material things of this world can be destroyed by moths yet I find some things sentimental.  I also think I really need some things just to make my life easier.  Some people don't have life's luxuries though.  Sometimes I'd like to be a nomad.  Just here, there, everywhere without being tied down.  The problem is that I am tied down.  I bought a house and have student loans.  I think it'd be nice to not have these burdens yet even without the two I'm still left with a bunch of stuff.  Where does it all go?  Where do I go?  I'm a big fan of comfort, but I don't want to waste my life away hearing of other people's stories wishing I'd stepped out.

Lord, I need your guidance on where to go, how to get there and who I am.  I'll keep walking but make Your path clear.  Help keep my eyes on You and to not be distracted.  It's so easy for me to do.  I can't do any of this without You.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.  - Jim Elliot

Plain Jane

I'm terrified that my life will be a typical story.  I want so bad for God to do great things through me. 

I don't think I've been doing my part though.

I feel sometimes that there's a fine line between legalism and discipline.  I'm also finding that either side of any fine line that can be drawn in life, it's wrong.  Christ is the fine line.  He resolves all the issues.

My heart hurts right now for the people that don't know God, and I'm not sure which makes it worse:  the ones that know of Him and claim Him but have no relationship with Him or the ones that have never heard this sweet saving name of salvation.

My heart is in Africa.  It has been really hard dealing with negative feedback on going.  I wish they could see the point.  I really should expect the rejection more, but it continues to surprise me.  I feel like a regular ol' person.  I have no great talent or boldness that has been achieved on my own.

Screening day!

I'm not there yet to be a part of this, but I'm so looking forward to it! 187 days until I get on a plane to head out!

She sells sea shells

At Perspectives the other night the speaker read a response that a man named John G. Paton had to the statement that he'd be eaten by cannibals if he were to go overseas and serve as a missionary:

Upon hearing Paton's intention to go, a Mr Dickson exploded, "The cannibals! You will be eaten by cannibals!" To this Paton responded, "Mr Dickson, you are advanced in years now, and your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms; I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honoring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by cannibals or by worms; and in the Great Day my Resurrection body will rise as fair as yours in the likeness of our risen Redeemer."

And also this from John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life:

I will tell you what a tragedy is.  I will show you how to waste your life.  Consider this story from the February 1998 Reader's Digest:  A couple took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51.  Now they live in Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their 30-foot trawler, play softball and collect shells... Picture them before Christ at the great day of judgment:  Look, Lord!  See my shells!  That is a tragedy.

God created us to live with a single passion:  to joyfully display his supreme excellence in all the spheres of live.  The wasted life is the life without this passion.  God calls us to pray and think and dream and plan and work not to be made much of, but to make much of him in every part of our lives.

Even though I continue to fall short, I know that I ultimately want this life to not be about me.  There's a bigger picture out there that we can see if we stop and take a look around.  When I stop and ask to see things as they are and not in attempt to gain something for myself or not lose something I don't want to let go of it's like taking off a pair of glasses that have been distorting your view of everything.  You get used to having the glasses on in the day to day and then forget that there's a clearer picture with the glasses off.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.  Matthew 6.22,23 

Unlikely sources

I started to accept the fact that I will be getting almost 0% encouragement about the trip to Africa from most people I encounter.  It's a funny thing though.  Just as soon as I start to get defensive about it (because it always leads to them telling me how ridiculous of an idea it is or how they'll chop off my head and boil it) the person I'm being short with turns out to be the most supportive.  I was talking to someone at work yesterday and she was so supportive of the whole thing.  It really threw me off guard to have someone ask questions and not be critical.  I have kind of built up this protection barrier for conversations about Africa with people that are not supportive so that their negativity does not affect me like I have let it.  I know deep down this is what I need to do, but to have people continually tell you how ridiculous something so important to you is you begin to question it yourself. 

All this to say that God has continually been preparing me for this trip.  I don't know what some of it means in the big picture, but I trust Him.  And He's provided me encouragement when I really need it and most often from unlikely sources!

Simply Sunday-Alpha

'Tis a new beginning here in my humble abode.  God has been teaching me a lot about love.  Loving others, loving myself.

It can take a lot of effort to step outside of yourself and love others.  It's usually easier sitting on the sidelines watching life happen.  People's lives happening without participating or really showing them that you care.  To demonstrate God given love for someone will take you to a deeper intimacy with Christ that you could never have imagined.  To deny that He has asked of us to love each other, friend or not, is withholding God's grace and mercy from them that He pours out on us every ounce of our life.  

Don't get me wrong.  This can be the really hard part, however, God's grace is sufficient when I realize that there is no way possible for me to love this person or that person.  Seemingly impossible, He has changed my heart about them.  If only we could see them as He does.  To step back and view the world from His eyes you see a world full of hurt, broken, lost people that are looking for something.  Turns out that thing is the love of Christ.  We don't think we deserve it.  It doesn't make sense most of the time, but what if we all loved like He did?  

Celebration of Life Day

It's somewhat belated, but January 17 has officially been declared the First Annual Celebration of Life Day by the Hein family and myself.  For those that don't know the story:

Last January I flew out to Albuquerque, NM to see Josie, one of my absolute favorite people in this world (she gets me).  She had been telling me about Sandia Mountain which you could hike about 10 miles to get to the top and rise in elevation of almost 4,000 feet, which sounded like a great idea!  The ultimate Pinnacle Mountain, of course we should do it!

Josie and I wake up and make pancakes, which we started to call griddle cakes, for breakfast and drink a Vitamin C drink for "strength and endurance."  We had a couple of griddle cakes left over that we packed with us along with trail mix and as much water as we could reasonably carry.  Then layered on the most layers I have ever worn at a single time.  I think I had five shirts on and flannel pants underneath ski pants and David's socks from winter survival training (just think COLD).  

Off we go.

We arrive at the parking lot for the tram station.  Our plan is to hike to the trail that takes you up the mountain, hike up the mountain and across the ridge to take the tram back down.  As we pull into the parking lot we stop at one of those booth things that people sit in and talked to the guy for a second.  He warns us that the mountain can be tough in the winter and that an older guy fell off the mountain a couple of weeks ago and was injured pretty badly.  We asked what should we do if we get into trouble up there.  His response, "Our father who art in heaven..."  Wow. That's intense, but we're young.  We can do this, and besides, David will be meeting up with us in a little bit.

This is when we start joking around about how we'll have to be rescued off the top of the mountain by a helicopter because this is what we do.  We joke around about serious matters.  We're not dramatic at all!

At noonish, the hike starts out, and we're doing well.  It was uneventful at first except the fact that I had dropped my scarf that Andrea just bought me from NY.  After backtracking to find it we were officially on our way to conquer this mountain.  Josie gets concerned about my physical capabilities, but we get into a groove.  We notice these interesting footprints on the way up.  Very peculiar, jagged triangular footprints.  The whole time we're trying to figure them out.

At some time around three or so David, the machine, meets up with us.  The whole way up there are patches of ice and snow, but we don't think too much about it.  We finally hit a point of definite snow and ice everywhere and there's a sign:  Trail may be impassable during winter months.  We considered it and then continued on.  We weren't too far from the top for 

what it's worth.  The trail turns into a foot wide series of snowy switchbacks with drop offs that would have paralyzed me in place (I'm terribly scared of heights) if I didn't feel the sense of urgency that the sunset was insisting on us completing the hike before it was completely dark.  Meanwhile, while we are making our way hastily up the trail, our water quickly begins to freeze in the bottles and camelback.  We hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast besides our leftover griddle cakes.  So here we are:  the sun is setting quickly, we're losing energy because we haven't really eaten anything to keep up with this activity, our water is freezing, we have to carefully take steps because the snow is so deep if you don't step in each others tracks you will fall (which I demonstrated several times)...hopefully not in the wrong direction (i.e. off the mountain), I'm starting to get altitude sick and it's really really cold.

At about 6:30 p.m. we finally reach the top of the trail.  Hooray!  We made it.  Only 1.1 miles to go and the sun has almost 

completely set.  David feels like we can make it in about 30 minutes.  Sure, let's do it.  We soon realize, after the sun has completely set, that we may be in for a little bit more than we bargained for.  The only light we had was the moon, the city of ABQ and two headlights between the three of us.  The trail across the ridge of the mountain had been completely covered in snow, so basically there was no trail.  We had to traverse the whole way around the mountain around boulders that protruded out making the trail minimal at best.  We put blind faith into any roots we could find to hold onto and packed holes in the snow with our hands and feet because there was usually no other place to put them.  Every corner we turned around the mountain we were hoping to see light from the tram station.  The only thing I could really speak was "Are you kidding me?" when we'd come around another corner and we still couldn't see it.  We even stopped at one point to try to call someone to let them know that we were up there and to be expecting us.  

We could see the city of ABQ, but it was surreal knowing that we were in trouble up there and everyone was carrying about how we do in life.  I've never felt so completely physically and emotionally drained and helpless.  I thought we were going to either die or get seriously injured that night.  All I could think about was my family and how they would think it was so stupid of me to go up there.  I just kept praying that if something did happen I just didn't want to be in pain.  This sounds dramatic, but it was a reality at the time.  

At some point it was like the tram station came out of nowhere.  We saw people walking

 around and eating dinner.  Oblivious to what we just experienced.  I believe I was mad at them for not helping us, but they didn't know.  It was just a weird state to know that I was just so thankful to be alive, and I wanted someone else to care.  It had taken us an hour and a half to make it across the top of the mountain.  As it turns out, it's suggested that you not hike on top of the mountain during the winter (the footprints were from some sort of ice shoe or crampon).  Good thing we drank the Vitamin C for breakfast!

So, here we are.  One year after the hike-of-almost-death and life is beautiful.  

Josie, I still can't believe that happened!  I remember we really didn't know what to do with ourselves but laugh because we're Sandia Survivors!  And that pizza we got afterwards was probably the most satisfying meal in my life.  Also, I think if I'm going to experience 2 degree weather ever again, then it needs to be under safer circumstances!  I love you Jo-sizzle and I miss you every day...

Desiring more than the status quo

"Are you satisfied with your relationship with Christ?"

This is what Reggie asked me one day when we were getting ready for a case.  I thought about it for a second.  Am I?  

I had to answer it with my explanation because the question wasn't "Does Christ satisfy you?" which you could initially think that it was implying.

No.  I'm not satisfied with my relationship with Christ.  Christ is fulfilling in every sense and beyond what I can even wildly dream that He is, but I always fall short.  I always want to know more about Him.  His ways.  His heart.  His plan.  I want to have a deeper understanding of some of the whys that don't make sense and will never be found without Him.

He can be so much more if we take our limits and ideas of what is supposed to be off of Him.

Resolution. Shmesolution.

I was kind of feeling like blowing off the whole resolution thing.  Until today.  Not that I try to resolve anything with real intention any other year, but I thought I might not even act like I was going to try to do something this time.  Who am I kidding anyways?

This changed during my second run through of Paris, je t'aime this afternoon.  Why does a resolution have to be about smoking or losing weight all the time?  Here's what I've decided so far that I would like to be more aware of:

1.  Seek Him.  This is really my main resolution.  Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6.33  

2.  How I spend my time.  There are things that I've always wanted to do, but seem to believe that I don't have the time.  Not the case.  I was working on learning French today by watching a French movie while I was finishing up sewing my new surgery cap (Take that Blue Sky.  You won't be getting $24 out of me!).  I had a little revelation while trying to listen for familiar words in this foreign language.  I can do these things that I have wanted if I just put the energy into doing it.  Stating the obvious, but really.  I always wanted to learn to play the piano.  I started last year this time, and I have started to get better already.  With practice.  My problem is that I forget that it takes work to do something.  It's just seeing that the outcome is worth the work and that the work isn't really work at all if you enjoy it.  I don't want to wait for the "what-ifs" of the future to happen.  This life is happening right now, and I really want to enjoy it.

3.  Read the Bible straight through.  Honestly, I haven't made it through the whole Old Testament.  Ever.  But I want to!  I started last year and just made it not even through Exodus.  Lame I know, but I have apparent commitment issues.

4.  Study the Bible and be more prayerful and purposeful about it.  When I'm in the down slump of just being and not feeling God so much, I have a hard time making it a point to read the Bible and pray.  I don't have an excuse, but I'd like to be better about it only because deep down I know that's what keeps bringing me back to Him.

5.  Start working on some of the things I've wanted to do.  For instance, learning French.  This is recent because of the trip to Benin.  I think it would be great to talk with locals in their native language (because I have some idea that I will be teaching them proper French grammar because I'll be so good! Ha..not really).  Even just to communicate somewhat would be awesome.  To ask about their families and their lives.  Also, I want to try to figure out how to make a quilt.  Google is oh, so helpful.

6.  Live in the present.  I often find that I find myself hanging on to the past or setting my future in stone.  It's not bad to look back, but for me to linger there isn't healthy.  I'm not as bad about that as I am planning my future.  I'm already trying to figure out what I'll be doing when I get back from Africa!  I'm almost tempted to list the four options that I told Megan about the other day just so I can have it to laugh about when I get back and God has me doing something entirely different.  Let's do it:  a. come back to work at St. Vincent  b. start travel nursing  c. alternate travel nursing and working in Africa d. get ready to go back to Africa long-term.  I plan all this out like I have some sort of control over it.  Not to mention that it's an entire year away!

Let's see how productive this can be!